


Five Teams that the Brooklyn Nine-Nine Detectives Were Not (and One They Were)

by partypaprika



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Adventure Time - Freeform, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Crossover, F/M, Gen, Pacific Rim - Freeform, Star Trek - Freeform, Superheroes, leverage - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-25
Updated: 2015-12-25
Packaged: 2018-05-07 15:03:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5460731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/partypaprika/pseuds/partypaprika
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Brooklyn Nine Nine detective department: a team in any universe (although perhaps better in some universes than others).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Teams that the Brooklyn Nine-Nine Detectives Were Not (and One They Were)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [plinys](https://archiveofourown.org/users/plinys/gifts).



> plinys, I hope that you have as much fun reading this as I had writing this! 
> 
> Thank you everyone that held my hand through this. Especially blithers who provided amazing beta reading and Y and N who were great cheerleaders.

**One**

“You’ve assembled us to be the best team of thieves in the world,” Jake said, addressing Holt, Terry, Rosa, Amy, Charles and Gina. Scully and Hitchcock were technically there but they had retreated to the corner and were laughing to themselves as they looked through a series of knives. Jake shivered, thinking about who on earth had decided that was a good idea.

 

“I did not say that,” Holt said, interrupting Jake’s speech. Jake ignored him.

 

“We’re the best team of thieves ever assembled,” Jake said, trying again. “What wrong are we going to right today?”

 

Holt frowned. Or maybe smiled. It was so hard to tell. Jake wondered if Amy would have a better read on the situation.

 

“It’s about serving the public good,” Terry said.

 

“And also righting wrongs!” Jake said. “We get to be Robin Hood, all dashing.” Jake made a slashing motion as if he were in a duel, accidentally hitting Amy in the process. Amy glared at Jake. Rosa snorted.

 

Holt cleared his throat calmly. Everyone instantly stopped and turned to Holt. Holt nodded at Gina who reluctantly sighed and then pressed a button on her phone. A projector instantly flashed to an older woman.

 

“This is Mrs. Crystal Nakamura," Holt said. "Up until recently, she had been the proud owner of a Kandinsky left to her by her late husband. Mrs. Nakamura is a woman of limited means and she has been unable to have the painting properly maintained. However, a few weeks ago, a man engaged to do her taxes recommended an art conservator who could assist Mrs. Nakamura for a fairly low fee. But, after delivering the artwork, Mrs. Nakamura has been unable to get in touch with the art conservator. She believes that he has absconded with the work.”

 

Amy raised her hand. Jake coughed, “Teacher’s pet,” into his fist, which Amy ignored. Holt acknowledged her with a nod of his head. “Do we know who the supposed art conservator is?”

 

Holt nodded at Gina and Gina sighed, before dramatically pressing a button on her phone again. “I believe that the tax accountant and the art conservator were, in fact, one and the same,” Holt said. The next slide came up and everyone in the room outside of Holt and Gina groaned.

 

“The Vulture?” Jake said.

 

“I hate that guy,” Rosa said, her voice promising death if they ever happened to be in the same room.

 

“That guy is going down,” Amy said.

 

“Is NOT the name of your sex tape!” Jake said, triumphantly, reaching over and high-fiving Charles.

 

Holt frowned, Jake was sure of it this time. “Are you a bunch of thieves or overgrown kindergarteners?” When everyone went quiet again, Holt continued. “Good, now here’s the plan.”

 

 

 

 

“Where did you get that amazing puka shell necklace?” Gina said dryly, as she approached the café table where Pembroke was sitting. Pembroke looked up from where he was scrolling through celebrity nip slips on his phone.

 

“There’s no way he’s going to go for it,” Amy said, nervously, over the comms. “She’s not even trying to sell it.”

 

“Ah, but the beauty of the Vulture is that he is so self-absorbed he doesn’t even care,” Jake said, sitting in a van just down the street watching the surveillance videos. “Just listen.”

 

“Oh, this old thing?” Pembroke pulled his puka shell necklace out and began to fondle it gently. Gina looked like she was about to throw up but sat down anyways. “I bought it from a website that said that each shell had been collected by small children working in sweatshop like conditions. It’s a total chick-magnet.” Pembroke began going on about the history of puka shell necklaces, all of which appeared to be wrong.

 

“Jeffords, we are a go,” Holt said into the comms. Terry entered the café. As he brushed past Pembroke, Terry deftly transferred Pembroke’s cellphone from Pembroke’s pocket to Terry’s and then headed to the back of the café with it.

 

“Wow, that is so cool,” Jake said into the comms. “Can you teach me to do that?”

 

Terry sighed and plugged a cord into the phone. “Alright, Jake, do your magic.”

 

Jake pressed a few buttons on the computer to his right and gave a derisive snort. “I want to be surprised that his password is 2223 aka the word ‘babe’, but I’m not. You’re in.”

 

While Terry looked through Pembroke’s phone, Jake focused his attention on the surveillance footage coming from inside Pembroke’s apartment. Charles was gently feeling up one of the walls.

 

“You…doing alright there, Charles?” Jake asked.

 

Charles inhaled, a happy smile on his face. “Yes, it’s definitely right here. I can feel by the way that the wall is ever so softly warped, just enough to have a slight difference if gently caressed.”

 

“Ew, Charles, stop,” Jake said. Charles took a step back and looked up before nodding.

 

“Boyle,” Rosa called from the bedroom. Jake watched Rosa study a piece of paper. “Get in here. I can’t read your stupid handwriting.”

 

“Ah,” Charles said sadly. “True genius is rarely understood.”

 

“Boyle, get in here now,” Rosa said, her voice threatening.

 

“Coming!” Charles said and then temporarily disappeared from view.

 

“Santiago,” Holt said from over the comm. “What is your ETA?”

 

Amy rappelled down from the ceiling. “I’ve disabled all of the camera and surveillance systems in place. He can never prove that we were here.”

 

“Good,” Holt said. “Now finish the job.”

 

Amy looked very serious as she nodded and then very carefully pressed her fingers against the wallpaper and a portion of the wall swung out revealing a safe. Amy smiled. “This won’t take very long,” she said.

 

“Title of Amy’s sex tape!” Jake shouted. “Seriously though, that’s great news.”

 

 

 

 

After Pembroke moved from his stories of puka shell necklaces to his air guitar championship, Gina looked like she was about to start dry heaving, so Holt spoke into the comms. “Just think of Dance-y Reagan,” Holt said. “We need a few more minutes to get the apartment ready.” Gina mimed a pair of jazz hands below the table and pulled herself together.

 

Finished with the phone, Terry got up and walked past Gina and Pembroke’s table again, dropping Pembroke’s cellphone back in his pocket and then heading over to the newspapers where Terry pretended to be studying the New York Times.

 

Finally, after a small eternity, Holt gave the all clear. “I would love to see your collection of puka shell necklaces. Could we go back to your apartment and see it?” Gina said.

 

Pembroke looked thrilled and immediately stood up and began motioning Gina towards the door. “Did the Vulture just leave without paying?” Terry said, sounding appalled.

 

“Yep, he sure did,” Jake said. Terry looked thunderous as he walked over to Pembroke’s former table and threw some bills down.

 

Jake continued to watch the surveillance footage as Gina and Pembroke made their way down Third. “Alright, Charles, Amy, Rosa, you have incoming in five.”

 

“Affirmative,” Rosa said. He could hear Rosa’s knuckles crack as she presumably warmed up and Jake shivered a little.

 

 

 

 

As soon as Pembroke and Gina walked through the door, Holt spoke over the comms. “Everyone take your places.”

 

“So I keep my puka shell collection over in the bedroom,” Pembroke said, openly leering.

 

Gina pulled a face. “Actually, you know what I find even more of a turn on than puka shells? Artwork. Do you happen to have any artwork by internationally renowned artists?”

 

“Oh, you are in for a treat,” Pembroke said and started to turn into the living room where the safe was. Halfway into the living room, he stopped suddenly, a thought occurring to him. “Hey, wait. You’re trying to steal the Kandinsky,” he said, shocked.

 

“Oh no,” Gina said, dryly, looking down at her manicure. She frowned slightly—probably a chip in the polish. “You’ve found us out.”

 

Rosa walked out of Pembroke’s bedroom, holding a very heavy bat. “Woah, lady,” Pembroke said, eyes going wide. “Take it easy with the bat there.”

 

“Do you think he’ll go down quicker if I hit him in the knees or the solar plexus?” Rosa asked Gina idly.

 

Gina gave Pembroke an evaluative look. “How about just going for his balls?” Pembroke whitened, but looked resolute.

 

“You can beat me until I’m dead but I’m never giving you the safe combination.”

 

Rosa smiled. It didn’t look very nice. “That’s funny.”

 

Pembroke stopped short. “Wait, why is that funny?”

 

Rosa and Gina shared a look. “Let us rewind,” Gina said, her fingers miming a rewinding motion. “While you shared with me your disgusting puka shell necklace story—you should burn all of your puka shell necklaces, by the way—Terry swiped your phone, which Jake hacked into easier than you can say ‘you make me want to vomit.’ After exiting out of those nip slip photos—and how dare you look upon Queen Beyoncé’s nipples, she will have her vengeance—he found all of your passwords and safe combinations stored in a note to yourself entitled ‘Passwords.’”

 

“That was really just a failsafe though, in case our safe-cracking expert couldn’t get in. Which she did. You really should change your combination from 1-2-3,” Rosa said.

 

Pembroke looked at them both, furious. His jaw worked for a few minutes before he finally spoke, his voice spitting venom. “You may have beaten me this time, but you better watch your back,” he said. Before he could say anything else, Terry walked into the living room and Pembroke jumped back. “What the fuck? Where are you guys coming from?”

 

“Gina left the front door unlocked. You should look into a better security system.” Terry said. Holt cleared his throat over the comms. “Oh right,” Terry said, and flexed his muscles.

 

Pembroke’s eyes got wide. “You want to mess with us? Terry will mess you up.” Pembroke gulped. “If we find out that you’ve swindled some innocent person out of their valuables again, you’re going to wish that you had just let Rosa take a bat to you now. Do you understand?” When Pembroke didn’t respond, Terry raised his voice and asked the question again. Pembroke nodded slowly.

 

“Good,” Terry said, satisfied. “Also, Jake has blocked all porn on your phone. Enjoy!”

 

“That’s right!” Jake said, happily. “Yippee kiyay, motherfucker.”

 

Terry headed out of the room, Gina trailing him as she openly ogled his butt. Rosa stayed behind for a moment and she raised the bat as if to hit Pembroke, who flinched.

 

“Also,” Rosa said. “We rearranged all your furniture.”

 

“What?” Pembroke asked.

 

Charles popped out of the bedroom. “Booyah!” he said. “The furniture rearranger strikes again. Bet you’ll think twice before being a jerk next time.” Rosa high-fived Charles and then they headed out, leaving Pembroke speechless behind them.

 

 

 

 

Back in Jake’s van, the team gathered around Jake. “Has he opened it yet?” Charles said, his face displaying eager anticipation.

 

“Nope, he’s just about to do it,” Jake said. Everyone leaned in, even Holt, as they watched Pembroke slowly press against the wall, which then swung open, revealing the hidden safe. Pembroke tentatively opened up the safe and pulled out a wrapped large painting, the same size as the Kandinsky. Pembroke unwrapped it to reveal a painting of a vulture with the words “You’ve Been Vultured!” written across it.

 

“Nice one, Sarge,” Amy said, approvingly.

 

Pembroke threw the painting across the room. “Hey,” Terry said. “I spent a lot of time on that work.”

 

Jake shook his head sadly. “He’s just not a true art lover,” he said and patted Terry’s arm consolingly.

 

Holt looked like he might have been smiling, but before anyone could catch him, he turned his head and started to exit the van. “Good work everyone,” he said and then closed the van door.

 

 

 

 

 

**Two**

 

Terry had just dropped his twins off at daycare when he felt a faint rumble and then heard a crash far off in the distance. He waited a second to see if it was a fluke, maybe some construction demolition, but then came another crash, this one louder and Terry could hear some faint screaming, so Terry sighed and quickly shot an email to his editor, asking for the meeting on his latest children's book to be rescheduled. Terry then ducked into the nearest alleyway to change into his costume. 

 

As soon as Terry changed into his outfit, he pushed off the ground and headed into the sky. "Muscle Man to the Brooklyn League of Heroes," he said. "I have an incident that appears to be occurring in Crown Heights."

 

"Neptune Girl to Muscle Man, I'm already on my way, but I'm walking so it'll take a few minutes." Terry sighed. Neptune Girl always insisted on only using her powers where there were no other options as otherwise it "unnecessarily harmed the aquatic environment." Terry understood, but when you had an evil monster trying to build a nest for its 500 larvae out of skyscrapers or a swarm of aliens looking to colonize earth, he felt like speed was of the essence and the aquatic environment would understand in the long run. Neptune Girl didn't always see it that way. Although, to be fair, maybe the evil monster babies or aliens would treat the environment better.

 

"Hi y'all, this is Banshee," a bored drawl came in over the line. "Do I really have to come in?"

 

Terry sighed. "When you agreed to be part of the league, it obligated you to actually provide assistance." 

 

"I did not agree to become part of this. The Captain tricked me into it!" Banshee said. "He promised me that I could name it. And you guys did not choose either of my names. I bequeathed you works of art." 

 

"He said you could give it a reasonable name. Hip Hop Heroes and the League of Criminally Underpaid Secretaries are not reasonable. How far away are you?" Terry asked. 

 

"Across the street, getting my daily Starbucks. You guys should probably hurry, it looks like another giant robot has decided to make Brooklyn his personal lego set." There was a sharp intake of breath. "Bitch, you didn't!" Banshee said. "The robot just made me drop my phone and now my screen is cracked. Do you know how expensive this iPhone 6S was?" 

 

Terry pulled out his earpiece just in time to avoid the brunt of Banshee's eardrum-rendering screech. 

 

"Magic Hex and Taste Man, are you on your way?" Terry said after Banshee dropped the line. He hoped that she was electing to use her powers against the robot instead of just destroying the hearing capabilities of her teammates, but that seemed like a pipe dream.

 

"Yep, we're just popping back from a hell dimension. I had to stock up on some magical supplies," Magic Hex said. 

 

"Yeah," Taste Man said. "This dimension is amazing. You guys should really visit, they have the most fantastic ingredient markets. Everything is so fresh, so flavorful." 

 

"Sure, maybe it can be a team field trip," Terry said, rolling his eyes. "Well, hurry up. The sooner we can assemble, the better. It sounds like we've got another rampaging robot."

 

"Awww, you’re excited to see me!" Magic Hex asked. 

 

"Not especially," the Captain said, responding for the first time. "You generally seem to bring a greater than larger amount of property damage and panic with your visits."

 

"Aw, Captain, you're so kind," Magic Hex said, sounding pleased. Terry was never going to understand that kid. 

 

"Unbreakable?" Terry asked. There was no response except the suddenly loud sound of a motorcycle roar. Terry took that as a sign she was also on her way.

 

Terry was approaching the vicinity of the robot, so he slowed down and stopped on a nearby rooftop in order to evaluate the situation. Within thirty seconds, there was a blasting screech which only ended with Banshee floated up to the top of the building, the air currents depositing her gently. 

 

"Looking real good, Muscle Man," Banshee said, winking approvingly at Terry's outfit. 

 

Terry ignored the comment and evaluated the damage. So far, the robot had caused significant property damage and a series of traffic jams, but all of the buildings were still upright. The robot was probably still warming up--it always took them a little bit to get to the real destructive phase. People were running in all directions, but no one seemed to be imminently in danger, although that was sure to change. As for the robot itself, Terry noted that it was about thirty feet tall and decorated in black and blue with gold highlights. Excellent concept design. 

 

"I suppose you probably didn't try and stop the robot yet," Terry said to Banshee. 

 

Banshee made a face. "Of course not. Have you seen that thing, it looks dangerous," she said, dragging out the word dangerous. Terry sighed. 

 

Before he could say anything else, a stream of rising water deposited Neptune Girl on the roof of the building, quickly followed by Magic Hex and Taste Man popping out of the air. Unbreakable banged open the rooftop door and glared at everyone, the air around her practically radiating fury. 

 

"Alright, I think that's almost everyone," Terry said. "We're just missing the--" 

 

"I'm here," a low quiet voice said as the Captain stepped out of the shadows. Terry resisted the urge to jump. How did the Captain always manage to do that?

 

"I've evaluated the situation," the Captain said. "It's escalating quite quickly and the robot is now headed towards the Children's Museum. Magic Hex and Taste Man, you incapacitate the robot. Muscle Man and Unbreakable, work on dismantling the robot, although you're on standby if any civilians are in the path of the robot. Neptune Girl, see if you can damage the electrical circuits using water. Banshee, try to damage the robot and not any civilians. I will assist with civilian evacuation and where needed." 

 

Magic Hex and Taste Man disappeared in a poof and Terry spotted them closer to the robot, Taste Man carefully measuring out ingredients and Magic Hex doing incantations. 

 

"Need a lift?" Terry asked Unbreakable. 

 

She shook her head. "I've got it," she said and then went back down the way that she had come. 

 

"I need a lift," Banshee said as Terry was taking off. He pretended that he hadn't heard her. 

 

Terry and Unbreakable got to work, Terry going for the robot's head while Unbreakable took on the robot's feet. He felt a storm cloud building above them and it opened up without warning, heavy rains instantly soaking through his clothing. From below, he heard a catcall, which he assumed was Banshee. 

 

A pair of grappling hooks came out of nowhere and curled around the robot's neck and in a second, the Captain was scrambling up and blasting his way into the robot's head. 

 

One of the robot's hands came up to try and get to the Captain, so Terry leaped for it, trying to give the Captain time. The robot swatted Terry away and Terry flew back, hitting the exterior of a nearby building. He fell to the ground and sat there dazed for a few seconds before he pulled himself back up. 

 

"Muscle Man, you ok?" Magic Hex said. 

 

"Yeah, but..." Terry said. "Something isn't right here. We should be doing more damage to the robot."

 

There were a series of assents from the group. 

 

"We've been working spells for like the last fifteen minutes but I think that there may be protective wards or counter-spells in place," Taste Man said, his voice sounding like it was verging towards hysteria. 

 

"There's something familiar about this robot," the Captain said, his voice thoughtful. "Aha.”

 

The group was silent for a few seconds, waiting for the Captain to continue. “This has been designed by Wuntch," he said darkly. 

 

"Wuntch?" Terry asked. 

 

"You may know her as the Evil Deputy Chief," the Captain said. "Quick, Magic Hex and Taste Man, cast a locator spell for the nearest black hole of evil and chaos." 

 

"I'm going to assume that you're being figurative instead of literal as we would all probably be dead or in extreme agony if there was a nearby black hole," Magic Hex said. There was some quiet chanting and then a sound of exclamation. "Captain, she's at the Brooklyn Children's Museum." 

 

There was an audible gasp and then the Captain growled, "We're going to put that spawn of Satan back where she belongs and rescue all those little children from her evil clutches." 

 

"I'm not sure, again, if that's literal or metaphorical," Magic Hex said. "But it sounds like there's some past history. Care to share?"

 

"Just know that she is the scum of the earth, the worst of the worst, even lower than the fleas that carried Yersinia pestis," the Captain said. 

 

"I...don't follow," Magic Hex said. 

 

"Unbreakable, Neptune Girl and Banshee, stay here and keep the robot occupied so that it doesn't cause further destruction. The rest of you, come with me, we're going to the museum," the Captain said. 

 

 

 

Terry entered the museum carefully, the Captain right behind him. Magic Hex and Taste Man poofed into the entrance way, knocking over a stand of museum pamphlets. The Captain glared at them. 

 

As the four of them made their way through the museum, Terry noticed that it appeared completely empty. Good, that meant no time needed to evacuate kids, although the Captain looked a little crestfallen at not being able to save any of them from the Evil Deputy Chief’s clutches. Eventually the Captain stopped outside a room and held up his hand to indicate quiet. 

 

Inside the room, they heard the low sounds of someone laughing. Terry was now a hardened warrior against evil, but even he found himself distinctly unnerved by the evilness behind the sound. 

 

"I can feel you there, Captain," the voice said. The Captain stood up, his face not giving away any trace of what he thought, and walked into the room. Terry, Magic Hex and Taste Man followed. In the center of the room, a small, thin woman with blond hair pulled back into a ponytail stood. She had several computers up and was presumably tracking the robot's progress, but could have been playing solitaire for all that Terry knew. 

 

"Madeline Wuntch," the Captain said. "Evil Deputy Chief. I thought I'd locked you away with your siblings in that hell dimension." 

 

"Calling me a demon again, how original." Wuntch said. "But then you always struggled with intelligence." 

 

Magic Hex looked at Terry, his eyebrows raised, and then back at Wuntch. Terry nodded slightly—he would go for Wuntch while her attention was occupied with the Captain. 

 

On the mental count of three, Terry took off and Magic Hex began muttering under his breath. But before he could even get to Wuntch, she held up a hand and Terry was thrown back with enough force to hit the wall. He stood up very gingerly as Wuntch almost doubled over in laughter. 

 

"Ah, how just like you, Captain, to assume that I wasn't prepared for your little team here." Without waiting for a response, Wuntch pressed a button on her computer and ten smaller versions of the mega-robot outside instantly poured into the room, heading directly for the Captain, Terry, Magic Hex and Taste Man. 

 

"Magic Hex, Taste Man, you work on getting that spell ward down," the Captain said. "Muscle Man and I will handle the robots."

 

"Sure thing, Captain," Taste Man and Magic Hex said. Terry turned his full attention to the robots. The Captain had already dismantled one by shooting it with what appeared to be a highly charged bullet which knocked out the robot's circuitry. Terry lunged for the nearest robot to Magic Hex and Taste Man and started to pull out its arms and then its head until it stopped moving. 

 

The Captain and Terry worked efficiently, but Wuntch kept bringing in more and more robots and Terry could tell that she was playing with them, like a cat with mice. But suddenly, when Terry began to get a sinking feeling in his stomach, Taste Man said in a low voice over the comms, "Muscle Man, we're in." 

 

Terry looked up and prepared to dive towards Wuntch, anticipating a limited window that Magic Hex and Taste Man would be able to keep Wuntch's wards down, but he saw four robots heading towards Magic Hex and Taste Man. If he went after Wuntch, Magic Hex and Taste Man would be left defenseless. 

 

"No," Taste Man said. "Do your job." 

 

Terry swallowed and then took a running start toward a nearby group of robots. At the last second, he changed paths and leaped at Wuntch, who clearly hadn't realized that her wards had come down. Instantly all of the robots diverted towards Terry. 

 

"The computers!" Terry yelled and the Captain shot something at the computers which exploded and knocked both Terry and Wuntch to the ground. But Terry hadn’t started superheroing yesterday. He kept his arms around Wuntch even though she kicked and screamed and even tried to bite Terry. When Terry finally had her subdued, he looked around the room and saw about fifty small robots on the floor. 

 

"Very nice," Terry said approvingly to the Captain. The Captain didn't exactly smile, but he looked almost pleased with himself. 

 

 

 

When the police came a few minutes later, Terry handed her over. "That's right," Magic Hex said. "You could say we're locking you up, Wuntch and for all." He high-fived Taste Man. 

 

"Yes, we could say that," the Captain said slowly, mulling it over. "We're locking you up, Wuntch and for all." This time, he definitely looked pleased. Terry just sighed and then looked down at his watch. Man, his editor was going to kill him.

 

 

 

 

**Three**

 

 

“And now this report is all done,” Princess Amy said as she happily plopped a heavy stack of papers on her stack.

 

Jake and Charles had been inspecting the various lab experiments set up around the room but turned around. “Ooh,” Jake said. “That sounds super cool, Princess Amy. What’s your report on?”

 

“Yeah,” Charles said. “Is it on the flesh eating monsters out in the Desert of Doom?”

 

“Or wait, is it on the Mega Frogs out in South Woobeewoo? We totally took that Mega Frog down, right, Charles?” Jake said, leaning over to high five Charles. Charles teetered a little and stretched out his arms to right himself, but they kept on stretching, right into Princess Amy’s beaker on her desk. The beaker wobbled for a second and then fell, spilling liquid onto Princess Amy’s stack of papers. The papers instantly melted into a puddle of goo.

 

“What the stuff, Jake! Charles!” Princess Amy yelled. “That was my report on the census of the Candy Kingdom. And you just ruined my experiment on candy cane acid!”

 

Jake gave a sheepish smile. “I’m sorry?” he said.

 

Charles nodded frantically. “So, so, so sorry. We’ll make it up to you.”

 

Princess Amy frowned. “I can always write the report again—“

 

“But do you really want to?” Jake asked. Princess Amy glared at him. Jake stopped talking.

“As I was saying,” Amy glared at the two of them. “I can always rewrite that report again, but this was the last batch of candy cane acid that I had and we’re all out of peppermint.”

 

“Just that?” Jake said. He waved his hand flippantly. “Pffft. As long as we don’t have to write a report, we’re golden. We’ll just go get you some more peppermint, right, Charles?”

 

“Definitely,” Charles said, nodding seriously.

 

“It’s not that easy,” Princess Amy said.

 

“Oh, PA, I think that you’ll find that it is. After all, Charles and I are,” Jake said, gesturing expansively and squinting out into the distance. “Heroes.”

 

“Yeah,” Charles said. “I’ve got an amazing nose. I can sniff every spice in the Land of Ooo.”

 

Princess Amy did not appear to be reassured by this. “This is a top priority experiment,” she said. “I need the peppermint by sundown since it has to be assembled before the full moon tonight.”

 

“Yeah, no problem,” Jake said. “This is as easy as pie.”

 

 

 

 

“Man, I hate when you and PA fight,” Charles said as they walked into the forest. “It totally bums me out. It’s like you’re my parents.”

 

“That’s a little weird,” Jake said. “But I get what you’re saying. This is less of a fight and more of a chance to prove that I am an awesome adventurer.”

 

“Good call,” Charles said. “In fact, I’ve come up with a song about our adventuring!”

 

“Nice,” Jake said approvingly. “I’ll lay down some sick beats. Let’s hear it.” Jake began making vaguely beat sounding noise and moving his hands in time with the beat.

 

“Jake and Charles are on a mission. They’ve got to find something that belongs in a kitchen. Princess Amy needs some peppermint, which Jake and Charles are going to find without a hint. They’re gonna look high and they’re gonna look low, but they’re gonna find it because they’re heroes, you know.”

 

“Love it,” Jake said. “We are such an amazing adventuring team.”

 

“We really are,” Charles said. “So which direction are we going in?”

 

Jake stopped and looked at Charles. “I thought that you knew,” Jake said. “You’ve got that amazing nose that can smell like the differences between spices.”

 

“Well, yes,” Charles said. “Although most people do have that to some extent. But I can only smell it once we get within range of…smelling it.” He looked especially contrite. “I’m so sorry, Jakey! Should we go back and ask Princess Amy where it is?”

 

Jake shook his head. “No, if we go back, then PA’s going to hold it over us forever. We’ve got to find another way to find out where the peppermint is. Who else do we know that’s super smart like that?”

 

“Captain Holt,” a deep voice said quietly.

 

“Oh, yeah,” Jake said. “That’s a great idea, Charles.”

 

Charles blanched. “Jake, I didn’t suggest that.”

 

Jake began taking small steps towards Charles. “Then who did?” he said.

 

“I did,” the deep voice said again, right above Jake and Charles’s ears. They both looked up and jumped a foot in the air.

 

“AHHHH!” Jake and Charles both yelled. There was a moment of confusion which ended with Charles in Jake’s arms while Jake tried to jump into Charles’s arms and then a tall, floating woman with dark curly hair drifted down next to them, a smirk on her face.

 

“Heh,” she said.

 

“Rosaline the Vampire Queen,” Charles said, his eyes wide.

 

“Oh, it’s just Rosa. Hey Rosa,” Jake said, depositing Charles on the ground.

 

“Peralta, Boyle,” Rosa said, coming down to stand next to the two of them. “Why do you guys need someone all smart?”

 

“Well,” Jake started, “Charles ruined Princess Amy’s science experiment and we promised to get her more peppermint. But neither one of us know where it is.”

 

“True, it’s all my fault,” Charles said. “Sometimes, I just don’t know my own stretchiness.”

 

Rosa nodded. “Makes sense. Yeah, I think Captain Holt is your guy. He’s great.”

 

“Awesome,” Jake said, high fiving Rosa. “Do you mind taking us there?”

 

“Well,” Rosa said. “I was going to scare some people today but I guess that can wait. Plus, Captain Holt is awesome—I should catch up with him.”

 

“Perfect!” Jake said. “Our adventure team is assembled.”

 

 

 

 

Rosa led Jake and Charles through the Spooky Forest to the Police Kingdom, skirting around the Swamp of Embarrassment. When they got to the Police Kingdom, Rosa took them took the center where Captain Holt lived in the Police Station. As soon as they entered the Police Station, Rosa took Jake and Charles into a room in the back.

 

Before they could go any farther, a flying, dancing woman appeared and blocked their path. Jake noticed it was raining underneath her.

 

“Uh, Rosa…” Jake said.

 

“Peralta, Boyle, this is Lady Linetti. She’s half dancer, half raincloud.” As if to prove Rosa’s point, it started raining on Jake and Charles.

 

“Nice to meet you,” Jake and Charles said as they both tried to discreetly move out of the way.

 

     said Lady Linetti.

 

“Umm, what does that mean?” Jake asked.

 

     

 

“I feel like we’re losing something in translation,” Jake said.

 

Rosa smirked. “Probably better that you don’t know,” she said. Turning back to Lady Linetti, Rosa said, “We’re here to see Captain Holt.”

 

      

 

Rosa raised an eyebrow at Lady Linetti. “But, if they go in, think how hilarious it will be to watch them talk to Captain Holt.”

 

         There was a long pause, and then, 

 

“Thanks, Lady Linetti,” Rosa said. “Sweet, we’re in, guys.”

 

“Thanks, Lady Linetti,” Jake said, Charles echoing him.

Lady Linetti just frowned and began to rain harder,         

 

 

 

 

Captain Holt stood up when they entered his office.

 

“Rosaline the Vampire Queen,” Captain Holt sat, nodding at her.

 

“Captain Holt,” Rosa said, nodding once back. “This is Peralta and Boyle.” She then went quiet.

 

“I thought you wanted to catch up with him,” Jake half-whispered to Rosa, giving Captain Holt a big smile.

 

“I did. Now we’re caught up,” she said.

 

“Right,” Jake said slowly. He stepped closer to Captain Holt’s desk. “Hi, so I’m Jake and this is Charles. We’re adventurers and the thing is, we’re trying to find some peppermint, but we don’t exactly know where it’s located.”

 

“Peppermint?” Captain Holt said. “Why would you need that?”

 

“Yeah, so, Charles and I accidentally spilled candy cane acid over one of Princess Amy’s experiments, which melted her report on the Candy Kingdom census or something and ruined the experiment. So we want to get more peppermint for her experiment, but we’re not really sure where it is.”

 

“You ruined her report?” Captain Holt said, sounding shocked. “I have to say, I was really looking forward to reading that report.”

 

Jake made a face. “Really? I mean, I think she’s probably re-doing it right now, so you’re probably set.”

 

“That’s a relief,” Captain Holt said. He didn’t look relieved. He didn’t look not-relieved either.

 

Jake made another face, tilting his head slightly. “Really? I don’t think I’ve read anything since mandatory school book reports.”

 

Captain Holt tilted his head and squinted at Jake. “But, you and…” Captain Holt held up a finger and then shook his head. “No, it’s not my business. Really, no reading at all? Wait—not my business. Peppermint. Yes, I believe I can help you.” Captain Holt reached into his desk and pulled out a large, gently glowing book.

 

Jake and Charles gasped. “Is that…” Jake said slowly.

 

“The New York Police Department’s Detective Manual?” Jake and Charles said at the same time, in hushed and reverent voices.

 

“Yes it is,” Captain Holt said, sounding pleased. “This should direct you to where peppermint is located. Although,” he started, but Jake interrupted him.

 

“That’s all we have to do? Just follow the instructions?” Jake said, sounding like this was too good to be true. “Come on, Charles and Rosa, let’s go!” Jake all but bolted out of the office taking the book with him, Charles and Rosa trailing behind him.

 

“You should watch out for other people seeking the same thing,” Captain Holt continued. “As peppermint is quite valuable. Oh well.”

 

“Bye, Lady Linetti,” Jake, Charles and Rosa said as they passed her. There was some brief rain on their faces and then   

 

 

 

 

“According to the Detective Manuel, it should be inside this cave,” Charles said, sometime later while they were outside a cave.

 

“That’s good,” Jake said. “Although I’m a little concerned about this large rock blocking the entrance.” All three of them evaluated the rock. “Try pushing on three?” Jake said. Charles nodded eagerly. “Alright, one, two, three.”

 

Jake and Charles put their entire weight into pushing on the rock. It didn’t move. Rosa watched them. “Going to help?” Jake said, his voice a little labored from the strain.

 

“Nah, I’m good,” Rosa said. She floated to a rock nearby and settled down to watch. Jake and Charles tried moving the rock a few different ways: Jake pushing and Charles pulling; Charles using his stretchy skills; Jake and Charles pushing it some more. It didn’t budge an inch.

 

Finally, Jake and Charles stopped, both of them breathing heavily.

 

“Hey little buddies,” a loud voice said. “Do you need any help?”

 

Jake and Charles looked up and gasped. “Oh my god,” Charles said, beginning to hyperventilate. “It’s Terry the Hero!”

 

“Terry the Hero!” Jake said excitedly. “Oh my god, I had all of your trading cards when I was a kid. You were my favorite.”

 

“Aw, you guys are so cute,” Terry said. “Especially you, with that little tiny skull.” He fondly placed his hand over Jake’s head.

 

“I know, right?” Charles said. “It’s so adorable.”

 

“Charles, we have the same size head,” Jake hissed, which Charles ignored.

 

“I follow all of your hero activities,” Charles said.

 

“Yeah, you made me want to become a hero in the first place,” Jake said.

 

“In fact,” Charles said. “I’ve lived my whole life by your hero creed.”

 

“Guys,” Terry said.

 

“Actually, I’ve lived my life even more by your hero creed,” Jake said. “I just about never wash my clothes because that’s what you do.”

 

“What—no. I definitely wash my clothes,” Terry said.

 

“I eat yogurt all the time because of you,” Charles said.

 

Terry smiled widely. “Terry does like his yogurt.”

 

Before Jake could argue the point further, another guy walked up to them. “Hey y’all,” he said. “You dudes need some assistance?”

 

“Nah,” Jake said, looking at Terry with something like deep love in his eyes. “I think we’re good.”

 

“Good,” the guy said. “Because I just want to talk to this fine thing over here. Hey, I’m Doug,” he said, smiling at her.

 

Rosa gave the guy a disgusted look. “And I’m out of here,” she said, floating up and then flying away before Jake or Charles could say anything.

 

“Did Rosaline just bail on us?” Charles asked, shocked.

 

“I think she did,” Jake said, looking up in the sky to see if he could find her. “Real friends do not bail in the middle of an adventure. Uncool,” he yelled up into the sky. There was no response.

 

“Rosaline, was that her name?” Doug said. He looked crushed.

 

“Don’t worry, she doesn’t mean it like that,” Jake said, although she definitely had. “But hold that thought for a second, we’ve got to get into this cave.” Doug gave a very understanding nod.

 

Terry turned his attention to the front of the cave. After evaluating it for a second, he pushed on the rock from the left hand side and it slid all the way to the right, exposing the cave entrance.

 

“Awesome!” Jake said, high-fiving Charles and Terry. When Jake looked around to return to comfort Doug, he noticed that Doug had already left. Shrugging at Charles, Jake turned back to the cave and looked down at the Detective Manual.

 

“So, it says that it just should be at the end of the cave,” Jake said. “Let’s do this!”

 

“As great as that sounds, I’ve mainly hung up my hero-ing hat,” Terry said. “I’ve got to get home to my babies, but I wish you guys the best of luck.” He then gave Jake and Charles slightly back-crushing hugs before departing, leaving Jake and Charles faintly teary-eyed.

 

“Alright Charles, we need to pull ourselves together,” Jake said and he marched into the cave, Charles right behind him. Both of them kept at attention for any skeletons that might jump out at them or potential booby traps, but nothing happened. As they got close to the end of the cave, they saw a faintly glowing light, but when they got close to it, the only thing that was there was a piece of paper.

 

“Correct me if I’m wrong,” Jake said. “But I imagined peppermint would look more green.”

 

Charles gave an experimental sniff. “Yeah, that’s definitely paper and not peppermint. Although,” Charles kept on sniffing around the cave. “Peppermint had been here until recently.”

 

Jake reached down slowly and picked up the paper. He unfolded it to reveal a note that read “Dear friends of Rosaline and my dearest, darlingest Rosaline, Thanks for the peppermint! Sincerely, the Peppermint Bandit (Doug)”.

 

“What the stuff?” Jake said. “He stole our peppermint? He must have done it while we were saying goodbye to Terry. Damn it!”

 

“Bullstuff,” Charles said. “I knew that guy was not to be trusted.”

 

Neither he nor Charles spoke for a few minutes. By mutual unspoken agreement, they both began walking back towards the entrance. When they got outside, they sat down, completely dejected.

 

“Globbit,” Jake said after a while. “What am I going to tell Princess Amy? She’s going to kill me.”

 

“Jake, if it would help, you could take my body and harvest it for any trace molecules from peppermint extract,” Charles said. “I know I had some peppermint candy the other day.”

 

“Ew, gross. No,” Jake said.

 

“Yeah, I second that,” Rosa’s voice said from up above. Jake and Charles looked up just in time to get out of the way of Rosa dropping Doug onto the ground. Doug looked a little terrified but also a little turned on. Rosa glared at him.

 

“Uh, sorry guys,” Doug said, sounding not at all sorry. After a second, Rosa made a slight growling noise. Doug held out a handful of green leaves and smiled at Jake. “Rosaline said I had to give these back to you—Rosaline, can we go on a date now?” Doug asked.

 

“Definitely not,” Rosa said.

 

Jake quickly took the handful of leaves from Doug. “Wait, wait, wait,” Charles said. “You’ll crush them like that.” Charles carefully took the leaves from Jake and proceeded to hold them carefully.

 

“Aw, Rosa, you are a great friend,” Jake said happily. “I’m sorry for ever doubting you.”

 

“Shut up,” Rosa said, but she was smiling. “Now go deliver that to your princess.”

 

 

 

 

It was close to sunset when Jake and Charles finally got back to the Candy Kingdom. “I don’t know if we’re going to make it,” Jake said. “We’ve still got to get all the way to the castle and up to PA.”

 

“Do you want me to stretch there?” Charles asked. He began stretching out his arm, although as usual, his balance became a little wobbly.

 

“You know, maybe I’ll just run really fast,” Jake said. “After this morning…”

 

“Oh right,” Charles said. “Good call.”

 

The two sped up and raced through the Kingdom and then the Candy Castle until they got to the Princess’s private laboratory. When Jake and Charles came through the door, Amy flipped up her goggles and looked up at them.

 

“Here…we’ve…got…it…” Jake said, gasping for air. Amy looked pleasantly surprised as she came over to take the peppermint. She started heading back over to her experiment area and then stopped and turned around.

 

“Thanks a lot, guys,” Princess Amy said.

 

“No problem,” Charles wheezed out.

 

“Easy as pie,” Jake echoed.

 

Princess Amy gave Jake a small, private smile and then leaned in and pressed a quick kiss against Jake’s lips and headed over to the lab. Jake felt himself blushing.

 

“Aw, your blushing is so cute,” Charles said. “It makes me want to just rub your face to keep it there.”

 

“Don’t make it weird,” Jake said. “Let me have the moment.”

 

 

 

**Four**

 

“Officer Santiago, Officer Boyle,” Lieutenant Jeffords said as he walked into the transporter room, flanked by Officers Diaz, Peralta, Hitchcock and Scully. Officers Santiago and Boyle nodded hello back. Captain Holt was sending the team down for an exploration of the Delta Gamma B planet. As Officer Linetti began initiating the transporter protocols, Officer Peralta looked around and nodded approvingly.

 

“Nice work guys! We’re all wearing matching shirts today. Red must be on our mind! Hey—twinsies! Or rather, septuplsies!”

 

 

 

 

**Five**

 

Officer Santiago hesitantly knocked on the meeting room door. Marshal Holt nodded once at her and she entered. The officers around the table looked up from their papers. “Excuse me, sir,” she said tentatively. “I apologize for interrupting, but could I talk with you for a moment outside?”

 

Marshal Holt nodded at Captain Jeffords who stood up. The other officers around the table stood as well, but Marshal Holt gestured at them to remain sitting. “I shall return shortly,” he said and then he and Captain Jeffords walked outside to join Officer Santiago.

 

Once the three of them stepped outside the conference room, the usual noise of the Hong Kong Shatterdome immediately re-entered Marshal Holt’s consciousness. He could hear the ever-constant sound of machine work overlaid with intermittent yelling across the base. When he had first arrived on-base, it had seemed perpetually loud and confusing. Now, he found it almost comforting. His shatterdome, his noise.

 

“Marshal Holt, we’ve just received news that a kaiju has come through the breach,” Officer Santiago said. Her face was pale but she delivered the news solidly, an improvement from when she had first entered the ranks.

 

Captain Jeffords stiffened next to Marshal Holt. “I thought we weren’t expecting the next kaiju round until next week.”

 

Officer Santiago swallowed. “K-Science believes that when they drifted with the kaiju’s brain, they alerted the Precursors to our awareness of them. The Precursors are speeding up the timeline to attack us before we can seal the breach.”

 

Marshal Holt started to methodically review the best approach to the situation. Two of the three jaegers at the Hong Kong Shatterdome were still undergoing heavy repairs. And then there was the pilot situation to think through.

 

Before Marshal Holt could continue down that road, a petite uniformed woman stepped into their corridor. “Hello, Raymond,” she said, her tone completely cold.

 

“Deputy Secretary-General Wuntch, shouldn't you be spawning right about now? I assume that's what demons do in their free time.” Marshal Holt said, all but spitting out the words.

 

If Deputy Secretary-General Wuntch was perturbed by Marshal Holt's comments, she didn't show it. “Last time we saw each other, I thought you had really let yourself go,” Deputy Secretary-General Wuntch said in response. “Now, I see just how wrong I was.”

 

Officer Santiago flushed. “Deputy Secretary-General Wuntch had just arrived for an inspection when we got the news.”

 

“Officer Santiago, during Deputy Secretary-General Wuntch's visit, you should be careful about spilled water around here. We wouldn’t want Deputy Secretary-General Wuntch to melt before she could fly back home,” Marshal Holt said.

 

Captain Jeffords held up his hands in a placating gesture. “Alright guys, let’s focus on the issue at hand. Officer Santiago, how much time do we have?”

 

“Not much, we have a little over three hours before the kaiju reaches the city,” Officer Santiago said, looking down at a series of papers in her hand. “Sir, there’s more,” she said.

 

“What is it, Santiago?” Marshal Holt said.

 

Officer Santiago looked petrified. “We weren’t expecting the kaiju to show up for another week, so Rangers Wells and Kendrick aren’t on-base. They are recovering from the previous kaiju attack in the San Francisco Bay. They won’t be able to arrive in time. Nagasaki’s jaegers are five hours away at best.”

 

“My, my, Marshal Holt, how will you deal with this? That seems very irresponsible of you,” Deputy Secretary-General Wuntch said, practically cooing.

 

Marshal Holt forced himself to not react. “Prepare Rangers Scully and Hitchcock, and let K-Science know that I’m on my way.”

 

Officer Santiago flinched but nodded and then hurried away.

 

 

 

“Peralta, Boyle, talk to me,” Captain Jeffords said as soon as he and Marshal Holt entered the K-Science labs. Officers Peralta and Boyle stood up from behind one of the computers, looking incredibly guilty.

 

“This is all Boyle’s fault,” Officer Peralta started.

 

“Hey,” Officer Boyle said, throwing a wounded look at Officer Peralta. “You were the one who said it would be really cool if we were able to drift with a kaiju!”

 

Peralta looked even guiltier but, unsurprisingly, rallied. “Theoretically cool. As there could obviously be ramifications including alerting the Precursors.”

 

Marshal Holt frowned. “This is not helpful. Are you gentlemen going to do your jobs and provide me with useful information?”

 

Both Officer Peralta and Officer Boyle snapped to attention. “Yes, sir,” they said. Officer Peralta looked over at Officer Boyle who nodded once.

 

“Alright, sir,” Officer Boyle said. “Based on what we understand of the Precursors, they’re using the breach to send biological weapons in the form of the kaiju, which the Pan-Pacific Defense Corps is working to stop on a permanent basis by sealing the breach. The Precursors are releasing the kaiju by speeding up the time between attacks by a factor of two. We had already tracked the likely release schedule of the kaiju, which we believe gave us thirty-six more hours before the next attack. We would then have twenty-four hours until the following kaiju attack and so on until it was a constant stream of kaiju.”

 

“However,” Officer Peralta said, swinging around and pointing to the chalkboard behind himself which showed what potentially appeared to be a timeline populated by stick figure dinosaurs, including one with a stick figure labelled Jake riding it. “The Precursors have sped up their timeline. We were able to gather enough information to know that while the Precursors don’t yet have enough kaiju to send in the constant stream for the end-of-days business that the Precursors are aiming for, the Precursors do have enough to send in a kaiju every few hours until they completely ramp up their production.”

 

Marshal Holt pursed his lips, digesting the news, but Officer Peralta smiled excitedly. “And this is where we all agree that I’m a genius.”

 

Officer Boyle interrupted. “We are both geniuses—I mean, independently outside of our impressive academic and publishing pedigrees—since we came up with this together.”

 

Officer Peralta flapped a hand. “Fine, fine, we’re both geniuses, happy now, Charles?”

 

“Very.”

 

Officer Peralta opened up one of his desk drawers and made an excited face. “So that’s where my gummy bears from my last birthday went. You, my darlings, shall have to wait a few more minutes,” he said and kept rummaging around until he pulled out a piece of chalk and began writing a chemical equation on the board.

 

“What is that?” Marshal Holt said.

 

“That is bonafide kaiju stunner. I'm calling it a monster-tini, no? Damn it, I liked that one, but anyways, back on track," Officer Peralta said after noticing Marshal Holt and Captain Jefford's lack of bemusement.

 

"The Pan-Pacific Defense Corps needs at least another forty-eight to seventy-two hours to get the logistics for sealing the breach in place. The kaiju coming through in that time period could cause unmitigated disaster since the last kaiju incident took out yet another jaeger leaving us with just three jaegers to defend ourselves across all of the shatterdomes until the other jaegers have been repaired. But, due to my—our—genius, we discovered a way to immobilize any kaiju that come through the breach,” Officer Peralta said, clearly proud of himself.

 

“If we produce a bomb that spreads this material over the entirety of the exterior of the breach, it will temporarily stun any of the kaiju coming through, allowing the jaeger to destroy the kaiju before the immobility wears off,” Officer Boyle said. “But Marshal, we need to act quickly. The kaiju are going to start exiting that breach like…my mom getting out of the house on date night.”

 

“What?” Officer Peralta said. “Charles, no. Although, Marshal, Charles is correct. We don't have much time. Immediately after this kaiju is defeated, we've got to get our Morgue-a-rita to the breach before another one comes through. With only one of our jaegers in operation, that team will have to get down to the breach and deliver our kaiju brew. Any of those? Yeah, I'll keep working on it."

 

Marshal Holt thought. When Officer Peralta opened his mouth to start speaking again, Marshal Holt held up his hand to indicate silence. Finally, after a few minutes, he spoke. "Can you prepare enough of it within the next hour to accomplish this?"

 

Officer Boyle looked over to Officer Peralta, who looked nervous but resolute. "Yes, sir," Officer Peralta said. "We'll have it ready by then."

 

 

 

Marshal Holt and Captain Jeffords made their way up to LOCCENT Mission Control. Officer Linetti was already sitting at the controls. Marshal Holt was displeased but not unsurprised to note that she was scrolling through her phone. Even less pleasant, Deputy Secretary-General Wuntch had found her way up to the command center and was observing from the back. "Officer Linetti," Marshal Holt said. "What is our status?"

 

Officer Linetti fixed Marshal Holt with a bored stare and sighed. "Delta Wolf is still being prepped. Rangers Scully and Hitchcock are being outfitted as we speak." She pulled up the feed onto the command center screen to show Rangers Scully and Hitchcock in the middle of having their equipment assembled. Ranger Hitchcock winced as some of the stomach armor went into place.

 

"Hey, I'm having some indigestion—I had too much dairy for lunch," he said. "Have you guys managed to put in a system in case of extreme bowel conditions during operation of the jaeger?" Hitchcock asked someone.

 

Marshal Holt resisted the urge to put his face in his hands as he reminded himself that Rangers Hitchcock and Scully had done good work back during the start of the program. Either way, they were the only option.

 

"What is the status of Delta Wolf?" Marshal Holt asked.

 

Officer Linetti made an exaggerated movement towards the comms. "Officer Linetti to Officer Diaz. What is the status of Delta Wolf?"

 

"The next person to ask me that question gets a wrench up their ass," Officer Diaz's voice came in through the line.

 

Officer Linetti looked delighted and Marshal Holt bit back a sigh before stepping closer to the comms. "Marshal Holt to Officer Diaz, what is your ETA?"

 

There was a sharp intake of breath on the other line and then Officer Diaz responded. "Sir, we are about thirty minutes to completion." The jaeger and K-Science's stun bomb would be ready to go at the same time, although that was still cutting it short on time. By that time, the kaiju would be within an hour's distance of Hong Kong. They would have to make it work.

 

 

 

 

Forty-five minutes later, Delta Wolf and K-Science's weapon were ready to go. Marshal Holt nodded to Officers Santiago and Linetti. Officer Linetti began initiating the jaeger protocols and opening the Shatterdome for the exit of Delta Wolf. Marshal Holt spared a brief moment of prayer as he followed the visual path of Rangers Scully and Hitchcock making their way through the water in the direction of the kaiju.

 

Marshal Holt stayed in the command control to supervise Delta Wolf's progress. Twenty minutes later, halfway to the kaiju, Officer Linetti sharply breathed in. "What is it?" Marshal Holt asked. Officer Santiago leaned over to look at Officer Linetti's display and momentarily froze as well before pulling herself out of it.

 

"We've got a problem, sir," Officer Santiago said. "It appears that this has been a double event. What we thought was one kaiju has now resolved itself into two distinct kaiju, severely decreasing Delta Wolf's chances of being able to effectively defeat it. If we don't get assistance out to Delta Wolf soon, that jaeger is as good as done, along with our hopes of immobilizing the kaiju that will be following imminently."

 

Captain Jeffords spoke up first. "Santiago, alert the Pan-Pacific Defense and the Chinese government—we don't have the capabilities to send reinforcements to protect Hong Kong."

 

Officer Santiago took a deep breath and then turned to face Marshal Holt and Captain Jeffords. "Actually, Captain Jeffords, we might. I took the liberty this morning of running a full database search of the Hong Kong Shatterdome personnel for drift compatibility. I not only found a match, but the match apparently had prior drifting experience." Marshal Holt swallowed and very carefully did not look at the back corner of the room.

 

Captain Jeffords look surprised. "Who? We need to get them into gear immediately. Have they had live experience?"

 

Marshal Holt cleared his throat. "Officer Santiago is referring to myself and Deputy Secretary-General Wuntch." Marshal Holt turned his head just enough to see that Deputy Secretary-General Wuntch had on a neutral poker face, her lips pulled taut and her face unreadable. "We piloted a first generation jaeger," Marshal Holt said, mentally adding in that their successes had ended when that she-devil had suddenly refused to work with him and then attempted to torpedo his career.

 

"We don't have much time," Officer Santiago said, looking back and forth between the two of them. Marshal Holt would have rather eaten his own shoe than work with Madeline Wuntch again, but he wasn't about to allow tens of thousands of people to die over his pride. Deputy Secretary-General Wuntch didn't protest, so at least they apparently agreed on something.

 

"Officer Diaz, how soon can you have one of the remaining jaegers in working condition?" Marshal Holt asked over the comms.

 

It took Officer Diaz a moment to respond. "Both of those are in need of too many repairs, they wouldn't even survive the ocean, let alone a kaiju. But," Officer Diaz took a deep breath. "I do have an experimental jaeger that I've been working on."

 

 

 

Officer Diaz led the small group across the floor to where the bulk of the J-Techs were now clustered, furiously working on what appeared to be a mix of the second, fourth and fifth generation jaegers. "She's not fully ready, but she's the closest thing that we have to battle-ready," Officer Diaz said, a noticeable hint of pride in her voice. "I call her 'Paulie the Pigeon.’"

 

"So you're saying that we will be fighting in a jaeger called Paulie the Pigeon?" Marshal Holt said, trying not to sound horrified. He wasn't sure that he succeeded.

 

Before Marshal Holt could put together coherent thoughts, he and Deputy Secretary-General Wuntch were being hustled to the Drive-Suit room and slotted into their equipment. It had been years since Marshal Holt had last put on his equipment, but every piece felt like one step closer to visiting home.

 

Deputy Secretary-General Wuntch looked over as their helmets were being fitted on. "Don't think that I'll suddenly start liking you just because you're in my head again," she said, her voice low but venomous.

 

"I didn't think a slimy lizard like you was capable of feeling emotion," Marshal Holt said, but he couldn't keep his voice completely flat. The familiar rush of adrenaline was starting to filter through his body and even if Marshal Holt had told himself that he hadn't missed this, missed being in a jaeger, his body clearly felt differently.

 

Smoothly, the two of them were moved into the Conn-Pod and Marshal Holt could feel the beginning of the initiation of the neural handshake. He became aware of Deputy Secretary-General Wuntch's, no, Madeline's thoughts beginning to crowd up against his. And then the neural handshake was initiated and Raymond plunged deep, deep into Madeline's thoughts, coming up through the ones almost as familiar as his own of Madeline's youth and her military training.

 

The memories and thoughts then transitioned into new ones, Madeline's pain and frustration at being romantically in love with Raymond but not being loved back in any way other than platonic. Their mutual aggressions against each other and the long-held simmering resentment. Raymond could feel Madeline run through his thoughts the same way, as if she were running up the staircase of his life, the stairs molded with footprints that matched her own. Raymond didn't forgive her, but he understood now, just as she understood him. And right now, they had a job to do. For a moment, Raymond was thirty years old again and ready to save the world. _You’ve aged_ , Madeline thought. _Better than you have,_ Raymond thought back and he knew without looking that Madeline was smiling.

 

“I believe we have an appointment,” Raymond said. Madeline nodded. Together, united, they began to move forward.

 

 

 

**Plus One**

 

“What’s Chrismukkah?” Amy asked. She sat at her desk, trying to finish her current report on a case that she and Rosa had just closed on a ring of shoplifters. She’d been attempting to tune Jake out as he gushed about the holidays, but it wasn’t quite working.

 

“What?” Jake said. His mouth fell open and he looked like someone had just knocked the wind out of him. Amy hated (and loved) that she found it cute.

 

“Yeah, what’s Chrismukkah?” Rosa said. “That sounds like a stupid way of mashing up Christmas and Hanukkah.”

 

“Oh my god,” Jake said, clutching desperately to his chair. “Have none of you ever seen the O.C.?” He looked over at Gina and pulled a dramatic upset face. Gina rolled her eyes, indicating that the fabulousness of the O.C. would have been lost on these losers.

 

“I think that you’re going to find that the answer is generally no,” Terry said. “Did you watch it?”

 

“That’s it, we’re hosting a Christmukkah party,” Jake said, in lieu of responding to Terry’s question. “We will be celebrating the miraculous joining of Christmas and Hanukkah.”

 

“We are?” Amy asked.

 

“I cannot allow my fellow detectives to live any longer without the knowledge and joy of Chrismukkah,” Jake said.

 

“They’re on separate dates, right?” Amy asked. She’d carefully plotted out all the Jewish holiday dates in her planner but she had the sudden fear that she had somehow gotten it wrong and was about to mess up all of the holidays everywhere.

 

Jake squinted carefully for a moment. “Yeah, totally. I think. Either way, we are Chrismukkah-ing and it will be awesome.”

 

Amy felt a little on the fence about a Chrismukkah party as she would undoubtedly have to be a co-host. But before she could say anything, Captain Holt came out of his office. “Everyone can come, right?” Jake said. “Captain Holt? Say you and Kevin will come to Amy’s and my Chrismukkah party!”

 

Holt thought for a moment. “Well, alright. Kevin will be home for the holidays…” he said. “And, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, we do love being festive.” Everyone regarded Captain Holt for a moment and then shook their heads, mystified.

 

“Perfect, let’s do it this Saturday at my apartment. Any objections? Now or forever hold your peace.” Amy felt an overwhelming sense of dread rising up in her throat but she couldn’t find the words to say anything. She tried telepathically communicating with Jake but he just kept beaming like the lovable idiot he was.

 

“Sold! Chrismukkah party it is! Everyone better get in the Chrismukkah mood because it’s going to be awesome!”

 

Or Jake was going to burn down the apartment. Amy gave it even odds.

 

 

 

 

“We’ll have to get decorations,” Amy said quietly to herself once Captain Holt’s acceptance sunk in, mostly to herself. She pulled out her pad for lists and started making one of everything that they would need. “And make food? Will there be presents as well?” Amy began frantically scribbling down all the items that they would have to get.

 

Amy heard the sound of Gina cackling behind her, most definitely laughing at Amy and not with her. “This is going to be epic,” Gina said. It was going to be epic, but Amy wasn’t sure if it would be epically awesome or bad.

 

Despite Gina’s statement, no one in the Brooklyn Nine-Nine detective department, not even Gina, could have predicted just how special that Chrismukkah was going to be and the Chrismukkah miracle that would unfold that season.

 

 

 

 

“So,” Boyle said the next day. “I’ve been thinking of making some lime accented latkes with applesauce and cardamom sour cream for the Christmukkah party. What is everyone else bringing to the Chrismukkah party?”

 

“A Chrismukkah party?” Deputy-Chief Wuntch said as she stepped into the pen. Everyone froze exactly where they were. “Is someone hosting a Chrismukkah party?"

 

No one responded and Amy desperately tried to look anywhere but at Deputy-Chief Wuntch. But Amy reflexively looked up to gauge Wuntch’s reaction and Wuntch was staring right at her. Now that Amy had made eye contact, she couldn’t very well look back down. “Um, yes ma’am,” Amy said nervously.

 

Wuntch kept looking at Amy and even though Terry was frantically making do-not-enter motions behind Wuntch’s back, Amy’s mouth couldn’t stand up to a senior officer.

 

“Jake and I are hosting it,” Amy heard herself say.

 

Amy must have blacked out and continued talking, because the next thing that she was aware of, Wuntch was saying, “Why yes, Detective Santiago, I would love to come. Saturday at six?”

 

And then Wuntch was gone and Gina was laughing hysterically.

 

“Oh my god,” Amy said. “How am I going to tell Captain Holt?” Gina started laughing even harder.

 

 

 

 

“How are preparations going, Peralta, Santiago?” Holt asked on Friday morning.

 

Jake threw Amy a look saying that she should tell Captain Holt about Wuntch. Amy threw a look back that said it was his party, he should tell Captain Holt. Jake scrunched his eyebrows, clearly trying to say that Amy had to tell Captain Holt because she was the one that invited Wuntch. Amy chose to ignore the last look.

 

“Fine!” Amy and Jake both said together.

 

“Good,” Captain Holt said quite seriously. “I am quite excited.”

 

After Captain Holt left, Terry came over to Amy’s desk. “You’re going to have to tell him,” he said.

 

“What if we just keep them in separate rooms?” Amy suggested. “That’s totally reasonable. Maybe a games room and maybe an eating room and just strategically switch people out.” Terry gave Amy a pitying look.

 

They were so screwed.

 

 

 

 

Amy was trying not to hyperventilate. She had just hung up the last of decorations around Jake’s apartment. She placed the advent calendar and gelt and dreidels that she had picked up from the store in the living room. After several repeated reminders, Jake had remembered to pick up a small Christmas tree, which he had chosen to decorate with Star of David and Hebrew Hammer ornaments. Jake had even managed to get a menorah to stay up at the top. Amy had to admit it actually looked pretty good.

 

“Alright Santiago,” Amy said. “This is going to go really well. You’ll explain to Captain Holt as soon as he comes through that door…and then frantically beg for his forgiveness.” Amy briefly closed her eyes in a grimace. She was so screwed. Maybe she could run away to a different state before everyone showed up at six. Was it too late to enter the FBI witness protection program?

 

“Hey Ames,” Jake said in the voice that indicated that he thought he was being really smooth.

 

Amy turned to face Jake.

 

“Let’s practice some deep breathing, you look like you need that,” Jake said. “Are you feeling a little more zen now? Like you’ve been doing yoga? Those free guided meditation podcasts have totally made me into a zen master, right?”

 

Oddly enough, Amy did feel better. Granted, it was only marginally, but it was at least still better.

 

“So,” Jake said. “Do you want the good news or the bad news?” He had a big smile on his face but it was his nervous smile—the one that said that he was likely going to be in the doghouse and trying to stave off the inevitable.

 

Let’s rip the band-aid off, Amy thought. “Bad news.”

 

“I overcooked the roast,” Jake said. “And when I tried to take it out in a hurry, I burned myself and ended up hitting Charles, who knocked over his pan of hot oil for the latkes. Who now has some potential burns as well, twinsies! He’s running his hands under water and going to apply Neosporin. But that leads directly into my good news.”

 

“Yeah?” Amy said, trying to feel hopeful. Hope seemed very far away.

 

“Those curtains that you hate? I’m going to get new ones! Mainly because the old ones briefly caught fire. But still, exciting!”

 

There was a moment of silence while Amy felt frozen in place before she said, “So to recount, our main dishes: the roast, the latkes and probably most of the kitchen is unusable. Guests are arriving in fifteen minutes to no food and potentially small ongoing fires.”

 

Jake just looked at Amy a little hopefully. Amy resisted the urge to put her face in her hands. She reminded herself that she was Amy Santiago and she could handle anything.

 

“Ok, you’re going to get the kitchen under control. I’ll get Rosa to bring some food,” Amy said.

 

 

 

 

Amy couldn’t find any place that had latkes or a large Christmas roast on such short notice. Rosa also gave it her best shot, reporting that the only places that potentially did have them available appeared to have failing health code grades. Amy was so desperate that she did consider it for a minute before the horror of potentially giving Captain Holt and Kevin food poisoning fully caught up to her.

 

“I’m just going to order take-out,” Amy said into the phone. Rosa made a noise. Amy wasn’t sure it was a positive one or a negative one.

 

“See you when I get there,” Rosa said and then hung up before Amy could thank her. Oh my god, Amy thought. Everyone hates me and my life is over. Amy wondered if anyone would notice if she just locked herself in Jake’s closet and stayed in there until everyone left.

 

 

 

 

Even though the food situation was dealt with (albeit poorly and in a way that would likely be unsatisfactory to everyone) that still didn’t solve the problem of Captain Holt. When he and Kevin arrived after Gina and Terry, Amy tried to pull Captain Holt aside.

 

“Captain Holt,” Amy started. Captain Holt looked at Amy with interest. “That’s a great sweater,” Amy said weakly. “Oh you too, Kevin. Er, Mr. Cozner.”

 

Before Amy could proceed any farther, the doorbell rang again. Time seemed to slow down and Amy felt herself trying to say no in this epic parody of a slow-motion scene. But Jake didn’t hear her and he opened up the door to reveal Wuntch on the other side. Immediately, Captain Holt froze and Kevin turned to look at Wuntch with interest. Everyone else held their breath. Amy thought about committing seppuku.

 

“Wuntch, isn’t it that time of year where you draw up your plan to rob the children of Whoville of their toys?” Captain Holt said.

 

Wuntch looked over at Captain Holt. “I would, but I’m not sure if you’re capable enough of solving the case,” she said.

 

There was a brief moment where Amy saw her life flash before her life. She realized that she’d never gotten a chance to properly organize her photo collection. But then, Captain Holt’s mouth turned slightly up and Amy realized that he was trying to suppress a smile. Wuntch looked to be doing the same and a wry smile appeared on her face.

 

“Happy Chrismukkah,” Wuntch said.

 

“Happy Chrismukkah,” Captain Holt said.

 

 

 

 

When the take-out showed up twenty minutes later, everyone immediately started digging in. But Jake looked especially excited. “Chinese food! The Christmas day food of my people,” he said. “Amy, you’re the best.”

 

Before Amy could say anything, Jake leaned in and gave Amy a big kiss right in front of everyone. Amy could feel her cheeks heating up, but for the first time all evening, Amy felt like she had done something right, so she allowed Jake to wrap his arms around her and pull her in for a hug.

 

“You’re the best,” Jake said. “I hope you know that.”

 

“Ah, I love Chinese food,” Captain Holt said somewhere behind Amy and Jake. And even though the party hadn’t gone at all like she had hoped, Amy had a nice, warm fuzzy feeling in her chest. Perhaps that was the true meaning of Chrismukkah.

 

It was a Chrismukkah miracle indeed.

 


End file.
